On Confidence

cheers to a pie in the face of burnout

TLDR

• Working through burnout; the quest for enjoyment.

• Update on my short film about my mom staring Tina Friml.

• Thanks for the Substack designs, Zachabstract!

A tale of burnout and the ghost of particularity

I’m not sure where confidence goes. Does it hibernate? Does it preserve itself for increasingly fleeting moments in the face of burnout? Most days it eludes me, and if I don’t feel it, then I have a reason to avoid myself, my work, things I care about generally, etc.

There’s a voice in my head that says: Yes, well, tomorrow will be a better day because you’ll feel better. You’ll be you tomorrow.

Lately, I’m mostly a cycle of this kind of thinking. I’m bored, uninspired, avoidant, and, worst of all: particular.

There’s this ghost of particularity haunting me. It says: this, then that, but if not this first, then never that, and definitely not that until tomorrow when you get to take another stab at this all over again.

Each day becomes a delicate thread, and if I so much as sneeze in the wrong direction, it’s blown to shreds. It’s only while writing this that I realize how extreme it all sounds. It’s dramatic, but it doesn’t feel dramatic. It ultimately all ends up feeling like a good reason to wait. To wait for a better moment or sensation. To wait for some confidence/enthusiasm to come and carry me into the next phase of my being.

When I talk about confidence here, I’m talking such a simple form of confidence. Not any kind that has anything to do with competing with others or putting on some sort of persona (cue the irony of now using a penname). I’m talking the kind of confidence it takes to sit with yourself and complete the tasks that make you feel whole. To simply do the things that you enjoy and also take effort because you enjoy the effort.

If I’m being honest, I’ve had a few bouts of burnout from my day job. I’m mostly recovered, but I’ve noticed this pattern of thinking that’s developed as a result: everything is a chore. Everything belongs to a chain of tasks that will only, finally, relieve me from its grip once I’ve made it to bed for the night.

It’s a very mechanistic, ordered approach to everyday life. If something in the chain feels broken, then the whole operation comes to a halt. But what does feeding my cat before my rabbit have to do with writing two hours later? Feels silly to admit, but for me, evidently, a lot.

The current personal work is to chill out a bit. Not to address burnout in one corner of my life by injecting norepinephrine into another; the table starts to wobble when only one leg is out of alignment. So, I’m working on the whole table. It’s boring. It’s more about pace than actually getting anything done. I’m bored when I slow down in the mornings and bored when I work or do anything else that feels like medicine (oh, how tables do hate their medicine; cue the end of this mixed metaphor).

But I can tell I’m starting to relax. I’ve even begun to remember random events from my life. Mostly early childhood stuff. Fun and joyful and mundane, inconsequential things. I think in experiencing many of these memories, it’s helping me to feel more whole. Like I’m not just a thing that moves forward, but something that carries with it meaning that’s been earned and lived and shared with others.

So, there’s a bit of confidence brewing. If I break the chain, I’m learning to laugh at myself more. There is no ideal place/time to be the person I want to be.

There’s a filmmaker/photographer I follow who recently published a piece about his writing/creative process that really resonated with me. You can see Zachery Green’s post here.

Anyhow, here’s to my first post. Here’s to beginning and remembering!

Updates

New short film

I’ve been working on a short film about my mom and I for a while. It’s called Daffodil and it’s going to star Tina Friml. I’m tweaking a few things on the script and feel really about good about where it’s heading. I should have some updates in the next month or so about what’s next for the project.

A thank you

I want to thank Zachabstract for designing the Welcome Page (pictured above), logo, and overall materials for this stage of the Substack. We’ve collaborated for years, and if you’re a fan of brilliant character design and art in general, please give him a look:

Learning to draw

I’ve also taken on an illustration tutor, so if you decide to stick around over the next few months, you’ll see some sketches like the one in this post. I love drawing, but this is my first formal training. I plan to visit some figure-drawing workshops too in the coming months.

Thanks for subscribing! Wishing everyone out there well.

August